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i was feeling sad

can't help looking back

allo hello
semi friends-only


My fics are out there for the world to read. My private life is not.

Can't ever be too careful, and I'm sorry trust has to be extended selectively.

banner by mignons

fic masterlist
typewriter love
I try to keep this list as current as possible, so trudge through this at your leisure :)

Harry PotterCollapse )
Gossip GirlCollapse )
Sky HighCollapse )
kpop fandomsCollapse )
Other fandomsCollapse )
Original fic & poetryCollapse )

back... of a sort
imprint of departed soul
I've been sadly derelict in updating this journal. Short story short: I'm still in Korea, still teaching, moved to a new school in a new district, am close to beach, I'm super busy, I've taken up aerobics after years of dancing inactivity (unless you count the dance parties last year).

All caught up? Good. Because I'm going to be back-posting some entries I wrote in my physical diary. Brace yourselves, a lot of it is about you-know-who...

blowing with the wind of change
in the shadows
Summer has arrived in South Korea. The threat of bombing from North Korea has come and gone, and yes I am still alive after months away from LJ dearest. I'm still teaching in SK, although I've changed schools. I used to live on the western side of Ulsan, out in the mountainous outskirts; I now reside in the heart of the eastern side, on a very busy main street, near the beach I basically lived on last summer. In fact I live just above my new school - only one school this time around, thank goodness. And my schedule has also changed. I used to work a pretty hectic schedule (two schools on different days; one in the afternoon and evening, one in the morning and afternoon) consisting of constant ups and downs. One of the reasons I had decided to come to SK rather than find a new job in my field was, first, because I wanted to experience something new in practically all aspects of my life, and second, because I wanted a more stable schedule. I didn't get what I wanted on the latter front... but now I do. I've got a lovely evening schedule (3-9 on Thursdays, 4-9 on Fridays and 4-10 the other days) and I'm in the area I wanted to be, with a beach 15 minutes away by bus as opposed to 90 minutes. And oh yeah, most of my friends that stayed a second year are in this district or close enough that it's not that far away.

On the other hand... well, I do live right above my school, as do most of my co-workers (at a time all of the apartments were occupied but one of them left after his contract was over). Speaking of, now that the guy that used to live in the now-vacated apartment has gone, there's a definite air of emptiness upstairs. And the woman that replaced him temporarily is older and married, plus she's vegetarian, so all of that kind of makes it difficult for me to extend invitations to hang out...

But anyway, all of that to say that I feel a little bit lonely now, having no one with the same schedule at school to talk to. I've started hanging out with an old friend of mine a little more lately, though, which does make a difference.

my learning style... surprisingly accurate
Visual Learner
Learner through seeing...
These learners need to see the teacher's body language and facial expression to fully understand the content of a lesson. They tend to prefer sitting at the front of the classroom to avoid visual obstructions (e.g. people's heads). They may think in pictures and learn best from visual displays including: diagrams, illustrated text books, overhead transparencies, videos, flip charts and hand-outs. During a lecture or classroom discussion, visual learners often prefer to take detailed notes to absorb the information.
Visual learners like to arrange their space and their work; remember what they see rather than what they hear and don't rely on verbal messages. Write them down. Visual learners respond to colour  art, and mapping; and may know what to say but have trouble difficulty coming up with the right words. Visual learners like to have to have plan, good organizers, and would rather show you than tell you. Visual learners usually don't mind outside noise, doodle during phone conversations, classes, and meetings. Visual learners are often good spellers, and usually need to have verbal instructions repeated. They enjoy reading and would rather read than to be read to; need to see the 'whole picture' before they have a clear idea. For making decisions you might list out the pros and cons. For asking directions you might prefer a map or landmarks. And for learning skills you'll probably respond better to diagrams or watch someone else do it.

[poem] Feeding Despair
insecure mess
This one's only a few days old, but was two months in the making.

The longer I smile this bland, bloodless smile,

The more my eyes see the darkness beyond,
Enclosing a realm of sorrows within my breast.
I let it thrive, a welcome nightmare
Feeding the source of despair beneath my eyes.

The longer I play this long charade of lies,
The more I vanish, soon be be gone,
Disappearing with my cold breath of snow.
More ashes swirl into the nascent night
Now that I've let myself fall into the abyss.

The longer I watch these sweet dreams pass me by,
The more I remember reality and how it came to be:
That I'm small and fragile despite this façade,
That I'm not nearly as brave as they believe.
Confusion and fear will be my demolition.

For I am not this puppet I fashioned out of hurt.
I am not the beacon of strength I long to be,
And I let myself fall into deceptive sands,
And settle not into what stuff I would rather be.
What I could do always brings me to my knees.
Tags: ,

[poem] Shame
insecure mess
Here's a fairly recent piece, written shortly after my first date with you-know-who.

Take me by the eyes and I tremble
Tell myself can't be real, can't be true
Can't have touched you that deep to the quick
Then I pick up my pieces, venom in my thoughts
And I shiver so much I wreck any chance I glimpsed
And any chance I might have been holding in my hand

So then my heart's a mess
Call myself names I never knew
Eyes wide open for signs I'm mistaken
But I guess I've written us off with my fear
Made a mess of what I was holding for a beat
And now I'm standing at a wreckage, lost in my heart

And I know what I've lost
Know it's my turn
But I'm locked

This shame keeps me down
Tags: ,

out of curiosity, my star chart
completely sane
Emphasis mine for those I know to be very, very true.

Name: Alex
June 20 1987
12:20 AM Time Zone is EDT
Montreal, CAN

Rising Sign is in 09 Degrees Pisces
Very sensitive to your surroundings, other people's feelings become your feelings. Try to avoid negative people because your tendency to empathize with them will make you negative also. An idealist, you must believe in something beyond your normal everyday existence. A dreamer, you like to escape to a world of your own creation. As such, you are known for the vividness of your imagination and should try to share your inner visions with others. Very self-sacrificial by nature, beware of others becoming overly dependent on you or vice versa. Allow yourself to live for yourself once in a while -- you deserve it. Don't be so envious of those who are more aggressive than you  -- your gentle charity and true humility are indeed wonderful gifts. on the tenth house cusp (MIDHEAVEN).

Sun is in 28 Degrees Gemini.
You have a quick, bright and agile mind, but an extremely short attention span. You love the external, kaleidoscopic aspects of life, but you tend to avoid (and even fear) deep, close emotional involvements. As such, you seem to enjoy travel and sightseeing and generally being "on-the-go." You get quite listless when things around you become static and dull, but your excitement returns whenever you are stimulated by a new idea. Chatty, inquisitive and quite playful, you enjoy practical jokes and games in general. Your moods change quickly and often -- you are very restless and constantly in motion. You are known for your versatility and adaptability. Your vivaciousness enlivens any social gathering.

Moon is in 19 Degrees Aries.
High-spirited and courageous, you are a fighter when your emotions are aroused. The degree of force and drive that you can bring to any effort sometimes surprises others. You have hair-trigger reactions to specific stimuli and tend to "let it all hang out." You sometimes act before you think and do things on the spur of the moment, and that sometimes gets you into trouble. Your moods change quickly -- you have quite a temper, but you don't hold grudges. Very independent, with an extremely strong and forceful personality, you are known for being impulsive, careless, reckless, foolhardy, rash and daring.

Mercury is in 16 Degrees Cancer.
Your emotions tend to rule your thought processes. You have difficulty seeing life objectively. You have an excellent memory, especially about things to which you have formed an emotional bond. You prefer ideas and thoughts that are known and familiar, and therefore tend to dislike fads or radical ideas. The beliefs and traditions of your family and culture are very important to you. Your thinking becomes quite unclear when you are emotionally shaken -- try not to make major decisions when you are upset. Let things calm down first.

Venus is in 10 Degrees Gemini.
You are friendly, warm, open and tolerant toward others. You love variety in relationships, indeed you may even prefer to maintain more than one relationship at a time! Very witty and humorous, you have the ability to amuse and please others. This makes you quite popular. You love to play the field and thus find it difficult to settle down and make any deep emotional commitments. Your innate charm and vivacity makes you welcome most everywhere you go.

Mars is in 19 Degrees Cancer.
Your moods are very important to your overall well-being. You are confident and self-assertive when you are feeling upbeat, and you are retiring, irritable and grumpy when you get depressed about anything. Very sensitive, you wear your heart on your sleeve. You are easily angered whenever you think someone has slighted you. It is best for you to show your anger immediately and let it all out, rather than to try to hold it in or to hold grudges for a long time. You're extremely loyal and defensive of your family, neighborhood, community and culture.

Jupiter is in 24 Degrees Aries.
The way that you grow and develop is by being an uncompromising individualist. You have a great need to be yourself and to explore your latent talents and abilities. Do not be afraid to let yourself go and develop self-confidence and pride in your accomplishments. But try not to become so self-centered that you ignore the needs of others. Also, you may have to build up your self-discipline in order to focus your energies properly.

Saturn is in 17 Degrees Sagittarius.
Basically quite conservative, you respect traditional authority figures and are very thankful and supportive of the laws and institutions which govern your life. You learn and accept new ideas only after having very thoroughly examined them. Ideals and abstract concepts are important to you only if they can be used in some practical fashion. You are so practical and so orderly that you have natural skills in planning, administrating and organizing.

Uranus is in 24 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world.

Neptune is in 06 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.

Pluto is in 07 Degrees Scorpio.
For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.

N. Node is in 08 Degrees Aries.
You're at your most comfortable when involved in group activities outside of your immediate family circle. You delight in getting involved with others in neighborhood civic or political activities, especially if you can be a part of the leadership of the group. Your zeal and overabundant energy bring out your real creativity when you can work toward tangible results -- things that will immediately benefit those around you. You have a real gift for getting the most out of charity drives and community benefits. Take time out between projects though, because you tire out easily and your effectiveness becomes greatly diminished when your energy is depleted. Also, don't even think of trying to get involved at a peripheral level -- you need a total commitment to feel personally fulfilled. Let others bake the cookies and set up the chairs -- you should be the one to tell everyone what to do and when to do it!

my star chart Collapse )

bitch, please get to my uterus asap so we can get this over with
crying eye
My period is two weeks late and still no sign of it except random twinges here and there, wtf. This gonna hurt like a motherfucker...

POEM: Still Heart
in the shadows
Opening my heart is ever futile
As I do, I'm back on square one
Stranded in the obscure sea of mired clarity
Time skipping past till bliss wanders free
I still exist and dream and persist in stasis
This damned stillness still gives me grief
And a roaring will to shatter my self-made shell
But, as ever, it is thickened once more

I can't breathe for this poison in my blood

With little to protect me, little to see me through the day
I meet the reaper night after night, offer my sweet sighs
I know I'm still alive, but half of me would rather live
Than face the hanging indolence that idly sways me

This is not me. This is not me.

Truth is, I wait for thee, beautiful storm
I wait for your tempting echo within
Tags: ,

fic: Love to Hate You :: chapter five
Park Bom can't deal with this. This being something akin to incest, them being in YG Family and all. Although, heck, the president had a twisted sense of marketing. Or maybe being virtually married to Choi Seunghyun aka Tee-oh-pee is a higher power's idea of a cosmic joke. Either way, she's not amused.
Love to Hate You, chapter fiveCollapse )

fic: Love to Hate You :: chapter four
Park Bom can't deal with this. This being something akin to incest, them being in YG Family and all. Although, heck, the president had a twisted sense of marketing. Or maybe being virtually married to Choi Seunghyun aka Tee-oh-pee is a higher power's idea of a cosmic joke. Either way, she's not amused.
Love to Hate You, chapter fourCollapse )

fic: Catalyst :: chapter seven
She’d hate him. She surely would. Call him a monster, all kinds of names, and she’d try to run. As far as possible. Futilely. It downright killed him that he'd have to contain her.

Catalyst, chapter sevenCollapse )

fic: Catalyst :: chapter six
Author's note: Oops, I meant to post this a week ago :/ Forgive me!
She’d hate him. She surely would. Call him a monster, all kinds of names, and she’d try to run. As far as possible. Futilely. It downright killed him that he'd have to contain her.
Catalyst, chapter sixCollapse )

Author's note: So... I have news, everyone. Big-time news. I'm... going to be teaching in Korea! OMG OMG OMG for real! I just got my notice of appointment and contract about a week ago, I'm stoked, and yesterday I went to the consulate to get my visa, and seriously? OMFG! 

So! What does this mean in terms of this fic (and Love to Hate You)? It means that I'm asking you guys to please be patient. My contract starts on February 26th (and that's not counting the orientation beforehand), so between then and now I'm going to be running all over the place trying to get things ready. My room's a mess so that needs cleaning, I need to call for flight plans once I get my visa, I need to pack, I need to double-check that my head's screwed on tight, I need to make some course plans, I need to check that I have everything I need, and once I'm there? I'll need to get settled properly before I can even think about writing. And I'll need to pinch myself, definitely (omg).

But, between then and now I'll try to type up all the chapters I've got written up on paper. Good? Good.

fic: Red Ice Moon

Author's note: This is a very old HP fic that I don't think I ever got around to posting on LJ. Seeing as I'm currently deleting stuff on sites that I don't frequent anymore, I came across this one and whoaaaa, you know? I was just about to press delete when I thought wait a sec! ;) Written around the time when people were speculating whether Blaise Zabini was a black or white boy. Also, I believe this was written for a dark!HP community that I used to belong to way back in the day. So, yeah, warning: BDSM, Death Eaters, the whole shebang. I do believe this is the most twisted sex I've ever written.

"I do hear you like being watched, though, don't you?"
Red Ice MoonCollapse )

fic: Catalyst :: chapter five
in the shadows
She’d hate him. She surely would. Call him a monster, all kinds of names, and she’d try to run. As far as possible. Futilely. It downright killed him that he'd have to contain her.

Catalyst, chapter fiveCollapse )

Writer's Block: This is a Recording
underneath headphones
  • If you were to make an album consisting of only covers, which songs would you pick to sing?
    Hmm, definitely something from Hanson. The Walk or Fire on the Mountain, maybe (latter of which I already covered a long time ago). You can take the fangirling from the girl but you can't take her affection away. Or something ^^ See icon.
  • Haru Haru or Koe Wo Kikasete by BIGBANG. Or maybe Love Song. Gogitmal?
  • You and I or Please Don't Cry by Park Bom.
  • Ooooh oh wait, Don't Cry by Daesung. God that's a beautiful song.
  • Signs by Bloc Party. The acoustic version is so beautiful.
  • Lips of an Angel by Hinder.
  • etc.
I realise I'm a soft song type of girl :) Doesn't mean I don't dig fierce music though.

& title here ;
got demons to fight
Well I didn't have to call the government for explanations; they sent me a letter instead with the full details of what the hell's going on. Here's the thing: because my job gave me a severance pay after laying me off, the government isn't giving me an unemployment cheque for the first two weeks *shrug* Oh well.

This means more waiting. Have I said I hate waiting? When the heck will I get an answer from Korea gdi. Getting my travel shots Wednesday btw. Not looking forward to the cocktail. Last time I went for one it was a powerful motherfucker and nearly knocked me unconscious. Seriously. I was walking out into the sweltering summer day, my arm feeling heavy and numb, and as the heatwave hit me I felt like I was going to crumple on the cement right then and there. Then again it probably wasn't a good idea to walk out so soon.

My sleeping schedule is insane. I went to bed at 5am this morning. Really, body?!

In the middle of a rather hot scene for Catalyst. Or, rather, I started it yesterday and still haven't touched it. But damn, my groove's coming back. Not full force, but getting there.

I love my Diva Cup. I could never say it enough. I might still sometimes be awkward with it (learning curve is steep) and I still leak on my heavy days but I'll take awkward and some leaks if it means barely any cramps and a short period. THREE DAYS. I was a five-day girl before the cup but three is just hands-down fantastic. Seriously. Don't be creeped, this thing is the best thing that could ever happen in a girl's life. La la la I even kind of look forward to my period now~ But now, time to take it out and stash it for next month. Yippee!

in the shadows
I don't know what's going on with my unemployment insurance. I've looked at the report in my file and they've received my requests but it looks like they denied me...? WTF I didn't quit; they let me go. Must talk to them next week. Jesus, maybe it's just because they've had a look-see at my bank account and I'm not exactly broke. Should I be broke? Maybe I'll transfer all my monies to a bank abroad. Sweden, I hear, is the way to go. Then again that'd raise flags since um 10K+ transfers apparently do that.

I'm not rich okay. I just don't spend much. fyi.

Waiting is stressful. I've got my teaching certificate coming in the mail so if I don't get this job then it'll be such a waste. They told me it could take a while to get a yea or a nay. I've had chaotic nights in my head worrying. Nearly sleepless nights. Other times I'm teaching kids and all hell breaks loose and I'm terrified that I'd be a terrible teacher.

I hate being stuck in limbo. I could never say it enough. It sucks.

I've hit another writer's block, I think. Catalyst was going so well with chapter six and then suddenly I write the beginning of chapter seven and that's when I knew this chapter was going to be hell to write. I hate writing filler chapters. They're just... there. I'd probably look back on it later and go "Oh, Christ, tear that one apart, it's such shit".

Creativity is a beautiful thing. Also quite changing. Ephemeral. How to keep it breathing? I know how. Keep writing, keep abreast of trends, keep yourself informed, keep reading, keep looking around. In theory it's super; in real life it's a pain in the neck.

masterlist update
typewriter love
Finally went ahead and updated my masterlist. Oy vey, I might have to remove some tags? Yickes.

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